Two women talking:

– What do you like better, sex or cake?

The other answers:

– I do not care. That only eggs are fresh!

– Teacher, please tell me, what does a man need from a woman?
– A man needs love, attention, care, affection.
– And in one word?
– Sex.
– What does a woman need from a man?
– A woman needs love, attention, care, affection.
– Is that also sex?
– No, money.

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

Remember. If after the 250th gentle touch she doesn’t respond with tenderness, it’s important not to tell her that because of such frigid, career-minded sluts, the average number of sexual acts per inhabitant of the World has decreased by 5.5 percent in the last year.

A man is driving along an empty country road and he really wants to fuck. He notices a field of pumpkins, gets out, takes one pumpkin, carves a hole and starts having sex. He does it so passionately that he doesn’t even notice that the policeman is approaching.
Police officer:
– Do you even understand that it is a pumpkin?!
Man:
– What? Is it midnight already?

I was happy. I met my girlfriend for over a year and so we decided to get married. My parents supported me, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing that worried me pretty much, and that was my future wife. She was a businesswoman, smart, but most of all – beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me too conspicuously and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she invited me to join us so we could check out the wedding invitations.

And so I left. She was alone, and when I arrived, whispered to me that soon I would be married, that she had passionate feelings for me and she wanted me. So before I marry and relate my life to her daughter, she would like to be with me only once to fall in love.

What could I say? I was in total shock and can’t say a word.

“So,” she said, “I’m going to the bedroom, and when you’re ready, just come and take me.” I watched her beautiful butt as she climbed the stairs. I stood for a moment, then turned and went to the exit door… I opened it and walked out of the house.

Her husband stood outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me, and said, “We are really happy and satisfied. You have passed our little test. We could not wish for a better husband for your daughter. Welcome to the family!”

Morality: Always keep condoms in your car!

– Hello, sexy. Cool photo. Want you. Don’t want to feel a raging stallion?

– An interesting offer from an anonymous person, of course. And what else in the program?

– It seemed to me that we could take it very well. Don’t want to meet my Napoleon?

– And what else?

-You will shout for pleasure and will want more, and more, and more!

– Okay, persuade. I was already wet. I’ll be with you in an hour.

– In an hour? … I will want a long time, because I am very durable …

– Very good. I just have nothing to do. Where do you live? I put on sexy lingerie and ride.

– Hell, I can’t.

– Okay, I came, picked you up and dropped us off at the hotel. Really fuck.

– Paga, how long will we be in that hotel?

– All night, of course. But you promised – over and over and over again! I am resilient.

– I can’t all night, I don’t like hotels.

– Well, I’m coming to you, get in the car, let’s go to the forest to have sex.

– Right away?

– Of course. Don’t waste time. I want to feel a raging stallion.

– Isn’t it too cold?

– Well do not pull in length – we press!

– It’s so fast. I have to think.

– Well, what’s there to think! But I shouted with pleasure.

– I can’t do that right away.

– What does it mean – I can’t? He himself offered to take it.

– Well I offer, but you have to take into account other people’s time as well.

– I’m on the bill. And with your time too. Will you be ready? Where do you live? Give the phone.

– No, I won’t give a phone number. You’re kind of insane.

– Well, give the number. I want to shout for pleasure.

– I don’t want to correspond with you anymore. Don’t write to me anymore.

– Where are you going?

– All! , don’t write to me anymore.

Late in the evening, a lonely woman walks through the city park. Suddenly a man comes out of the dark alley:

– Oh, how you scared me. I thought – a sexual maniac.

– See how dreamed she is. I was just walking the dog.

Advertising at the gas station:
“He who puts on a full lighthouse will be able to participate in the lottery! Prize – free sex!
” Two old men approach, add a full lighthouse and go to pay. Of course, the elders ask if they can participate in the lottery. The owner of the petrol station explains that the rules are very simple – he imagines a number from one to ten, the one who remembers has won.
One of the oldest:
– Seven!
Host:
– No, I imagined the number two, try next time… Not a week goes by when the elders are here again.
– Three!
– Unfortunately, I imagined five, maybe next time you will do better…
The old men get in the car and one of them says: – Its a lot of suspicion. Maybe he’s just a fraudster?
The other eagerly answers:
– No, you what! My wife has already won twice!

While sleeping in the woods,
There is sex joy in the forest.
Hedgehogs fucking very neat,
The badger takes care of the shrooms.
While the hare is putting it in the elk,
Bear fucks the squirrel.
Others don’t fuck at all,
There are not enough for the wild boars.
The fox finishes unusual,
She masturbates with a tail.
Everything like a porn fairy tale,
Only the wolf jerks alone!

The husband and wife decide that the only way to make love to their apartment on Sunday afternoon, where their ten-year-old son is, is to send him to the balcony and ask him to report what’s going on outside.
The boy begins his comments and the parents turn to their occupation.
“A car is worn in the parking lot,” he says. “The ambulance has just left,” he continues later. “Looks like Bērziņš has guests,” the son exclaims. “Pēterītis is riding a new bike, but Liepiņi is having sex.”
The parents quickly jump up and the surprised father asks “how do you know that?”
Son: “Their boy is also standing on the balcony.”